Moving Forward

hey guys... so it's been a while since my last post and i can't tell if it's a good or bad thing. i'm guessing bad because i use my writing as a liberation of the soul when i'm stressed out, but life got kinda unbearable lately where writing wouldn't even calm me down.

i sit in my bed in my new apartment back at school, an hour and a half before my birthday (not even excited for it the older i get...) just thinking and worrying about stupid things. i have been doing this all summer. i and others can say i haven't been myself lately, and i have been to blame. i gave up fighting my anxiety and i turned my back on God... i let fear consume me. my attitude towards life turned completely negative and i went day by day dreading even doing anything slightly productive.

i'm hoping this year changes for me. i have lost some friends along the way, they weren't willing to stick by my side during this dark time, and that is okay. i don't need more things weighing down my heart. i learned people come and go, and God has a plan, even if i don't understand it fully.

i don't do well with not knowing what's going to happen. i plan everything. i think ahead and want to know exactly how something is going to play out. i don't trust God fully even though i know i should.

i'm scared of what will happen even though He tells us in Matthew 6:34,

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

this verse was recommended to me from a friend because he knows i've been having some personal problems, and i can say i am so thankful i came across it again. even though it's so tough to see the light for the future, i need to take life one day at a time, knowing one of these days will be good again.

i know i need to change my attitude towards things and people and understand i can't control anything but myself. yeah, try telling what my doctor likes to call, my type AAA personality that... but the mind is a powerful tool, and i control what i think and what i want to happen for MYSELF.

surrounding myself with only positivity and love this school year, i turn all my focus back on God to help me through this storm. for God is greater than my ups and downs. He is breaking me so He can build me up stronger than i ever was before, and i can't wait to see how this will benefit me in the future. i may only see darkness and pain now, but i have faith that my happiness will appear one of these days.