Nothing Lasts Forever

It's been a very long time since I've written something on here. A lot has been happening in my life... this is the first time where I can actually say that my life is moving at a steady, calm pace. However, my life is far from normal. I have daily struggles that constantly fill my mind and I can't seem to shut it off ever. I can try to occupy and distract myself, but at the end of the day, it seeps in. It seems to me that God is throwing a lot of curveballs lately. Why? Not sure, but only He knows.

Let me tell you how I believed my life was falling apart for the longest time.

It all started when my lupus flared out of no where. This wasn't like anything I've ever seen before. Nevertheless, anyone has ever seen before. I went from doctor to doctor trying to find some sort of answer.

The first dermatologist I went to looks at me and goes "I have no idea what's wrong with you" and then proceeded to ask "Do you believe in God? Do you have a strong relationship with Him? If you do, hold on tight to that, because you are going to need it". At that point, I felt worried. I asked, "Am I going to have this for the rest of my life?" and he responds, "From what it looks like, it's a high possibility".

Devastated, I went to another dermatologist in my hometown. She was a sweetheart, but she too was not qualified for my case. She believed that this could all go away by changing my diet. I mean, it wouldn't hurt, but this was much more than changing what I eat on a daily basis. I appreciated her devotion to trying to find an answer for me... but so far I had nothing.

I went to these doctors during spring break, and I had an appointment with my rheumatologist whenever I got back to Oklahoma. When she saw me, she was speechless. However, first thing she said was "I know of the best dermatologist in the nation. When I did my fellowship in Houston, he was the one who taught me about lupus and the skin. You need to get in with him. Can I please take pictures so I can send them to him? You need to see him as soon as possible. Like next week. I promise there's no one better". So, I thought to myself, "what more can I lose?" and I told her yes.

I was able to score an appointment that coming Saturday. I flew back home to Houston.

This man was something I've never seen before. Smart, devoted, intelligent and caring. He saw me and goes "not a problem. I know exactly what it is. All we need to do now is see what treatments work for you". Just by visiting him once, I felt a wave of hope. He spent day after day, night after night figuring out a treatment plan for me. I was even a case study at one of the biggest conferences in Houston, where multiple dermatologists and rheumatologist got together to help me. I've never felt more important in my life. Dr. Richard Jahan-Tigh, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

However, the road to recovery was nothing near peaceful. Imagine having a third degree burn from head to toe. Your whole body was raw, bubbly, pealing, bleeding and more. You couldn't touch anything with your hands because they were so raw. The bottom of your feet looked as if you walked on lava rocks, resulting to moving around in a wheelchair. My hair was thinning to the point where I looked bald on top. My lips were infected and I had ulcers lining the inside of my mouth where I couldn't speak or eat. Laying down felt like someone was giving me an Indian burn all throughout my body. I looked at myself in the mirror, day after day and felt absolutely defeated. I didn't even recognize myself in the picture. I looked like a completely different person. My mental health worried me. I became depressed. I felt hopeless. My faith in God was failing and I felt as if I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was at the point of giving up. I told my parents that I couldn't do this anymore. I wanted to drop out and move home. I wanted to be far away from people as possible. I wanted to be off the grid.

I missed a lot of school during this time. Since this was so severe, there was no way for me to partake in academics or social life. I hid from the world. I stayed isolated and cried an endless amount because I just wanted to be normal. I was far from normal. Somehow, I managed to come back (with my mom's help) to get back on my feet before finals week. Some adults told me to take the "incomplete" in my courses because I wouldn't be able to catch up. I was offended. I wasn't about to let all my suffering and hard work to not fall behind go unnoticed. I persevered and still managed to get a descent GPA (better than some people I know who are completely healthy). Still disappointed because it wasn't to my standards, I was thankful that I was still on track to graduate in December.

During this time, I had a lot of support. I was finally healing, I got back to school to see my loving boyfriend of 2 years and my sweet Lucy Lou. However, when I went back home for summer, everything changed once again.

Things ended between me and my boyfriend. Confused, blind sided and heartbroken, I felt as if the world was out to get me. I tried to get closure and answers to where this all came from, but I was blocked from everything just a few short days after. I tried to fight for rights of my dog, but he believed that he deserved her more than I did. So, not only did I lose the love of my life, I lost my Lucy girl. I have never felt more betrayed in my life. Things got really nasty for a bit. I didn't know how to handle it. My health began to flare up again, and then my anxiety was through the roof. I wasn't about to give up on neither him or Lucy. I ended up losing the battle, but I am slowly healing from it all. Days are hard. Nights are even harder. It's a constant replay of memories all day long. I don't know how to stop them.

I tried going out. Going on vacation. Working out. Reading books. Getting a job. Taking online classes. Reading the bible. But nothing seems to be giving me the right answers to "why is this happening to me... what am I doing wrong?" But the answer is, nothing. You can't force people to see your worth... they will notice once you are moved on and happy. The day will hit where they feel stupid for letting the best thing for them slip away when you would've given them the world.

It seems that the only thing I can do is move forward. I was ready to settle for the first boy I have ever loved. He was the love of my life. I was head over heals for him. Not a day went by where I wasn't the happiest girl in the world. He made me feel loved and important. I believed that I was enough in his eyes, that he was serious about wanting me forever and to have a future with me. However, I guess people change out of no where. He became shallow, selfish, inconsiderate and cold. Foolish of me to continue to make excuses for him even after all he did to me. But, to each its own.

Of course, he will always have a place in my heart, but I needed to realize that I come first. My dreams aren't worth settling for. I am destined to go to infinite and back... with no one holding me back from my true potential. Yeah, it gets lonely sometimes. And it gets sad and dark. But, I look back and realize that my life is not much different. He may not be in it anymore and neither is my sweet girl, but I am still going on day by day doing what I love most, and that's living. I would've loved to share my life with him, since he was my best friend of 2 years, but sometimes people come and go from your life to teach you valuable lessons. I wish him the best, and maybe some day we will be able to come to peace with all of this. As for now, he goes his way and I go mine as if we never knew each other. Our time together was a beautiful tragedy.

Since this happened in the beginning of the summer, it wasn't the brightest of times. My mom and dad got me two new puppies to get my mind off of Lucy. I love them dearly, but there is still a piece of my heart that is missing where she belongs. I got a new car, a Cadillac, and I can't be more blessed. Even though it broke down on me right when I got it... I still love it because it's running smooth now. I celebrated my 21st birthday in Austin, Texas with my best friends and my family. Life was good, but my soul still felt lost.

Coming back to school was weird. I was happy to see all my friends and be able to go out to the bars, but again, this was all a distraction. I still felt lonely. I saw my ex for the first time, and he was with another girl who he promised was just his friend... and my heart shattered once again. I had to do what was best for me. After that night, I deleted him from everything. Took down every picture, blocked him from every account (even though I was already blocked but it made me feel good) and just try to forget everything that was. I even blocked the girl from everything because I didn't want either of them knowing anything about my life. He chose for it to be this way.

My uncle called me the next day and gave me one of his special talks. He always knows the right things to say because he too has been through hell. He really opened my eyes. And then of course a story from my roommate told me. I thought to myself and said "I deserve this and more. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to receive little acts of appreciation. I deserve to get flowers randomly and not have to pay for them and act like my boyfriend bought them so he didn't feel bad about himself".

I was lessening myself to make him feel better about himself. I was holding myself down, even though I was a thousand steps ahead of him. I wanted him to feel loved and important and that I was proud of him, but I never felt the same in return. I was destroying myself to make sure that he was happy and secure. I never stopped and thought that I needed the same thing.

It's getting easier now... you can say. My family is coming up soon to see me, and I'm getting to keep my Benji boy with me. My roommate and I don't have any issues anymore and we started being best friends again. I got a job doing what I love most.. and that is social media and writing... as you can tell from this long ass blog post. I love all my classes. I am somewhat on the right track.

I'm excited to finally be able to walk down that carpet on December 14, to receive my diploma that I rightfully earned. I can look back and say "I did this" before any normal person could do. I did this with all the obstacles thrown my way. Constant waves crashing down on me, I continued to swim. I continued to fight. I continued to push through everything that came my way, even if I was at rock bottom.

I knew this wasn't the end for me. I knew that there's more to life than this. I knew that God was NOT done with me yet!!!!!!

It took a lot for me to open up about this. And to continue to work through the good and bad days. I just have to look at my life for what I have, and not what I don't have. I have to thank God for the blessing and the hurt. The devil tries to bring down the strongest of God's warriors. When you have a battle after battle, it's because you are more powerful and the devil is trying to destroy that. He wants you to fail, but knows that he can never win with God holding your hand.

Life is beautiful. Life is fragile. Life is unknown. Life is vulnerable. Here is my vulnerability. But, as life has taught me many things, the number one thing I've learned is "nothing lasts forever"... whether it is a relationship, an awful chronic disease flare up, a heartbreak or even a human life. However, we need to appreciate every moment of it, because it will be gone in the blink of an eye.